A Wish Which Couldn’t Make it Under a Rose Bush

To my dearest husband Nico and son Cihan, who remind me of things really important in life….

It is the 05th May again… being exhausted, almost fainted I force myself out of the bed. No, this evening cannot pass by just like that. Not when Nico is sacrificing his own time to make Cihan sleep so that I can have free time for myself. No, I cannot loose myself in sleep again, betraying him and myself …

I am going down the stairs, grabble like a sleepwalker around, find a wooden tray in the dark room and lit the candles… there should be something lively beside… something smelling nice … I take some lemongrass and make them in small pieces, doing this inhaling its smell deeply… When did I take time and smelled a flower, a plant? Don’t remember …

I squat down in front of the tray… and look at the fire, the fire gazes back, like saying “So what?” … I am starting a non-verbal communication by saying like Cihan’s new words … “Hmm, ehh… So it’s Hidrellez today, I want to make a wish.”, “And what is your wish?”, “…” Silence, like I am in a cloud of mist due to a feeling of exhaustion, disconnected from my very self and feelings… slowly the cloud gets clearer, “Time”… “Time?”, “Yes, Time. But it is up to you, how to created this Time. Because I don’t know how to do it. I have an ungrateful corporate life, a teaching we share with groups together with my husband Nico and a family life. I want to spend more time with my family and myself, but when? Solving this equation will be your task…”. “What is it Time will bring you?”, “To gain my senses back, to go out in nature and be with people just like that, aimless, to dive into deep conversations with my husband with a little bit of wine, to not squeeze my time with my son into the evening and weekends, instead living it fully. There is so much I would like him to experience. I want Time, my only condition is that my/our health is fine.”

Silence…

Like being hynotized I am taking a booklet and some colour pencils… and start to write… how should this “Time” being created be? It starts with including health, joy… and interesting … ending with being timeless. Actually being stripped off the notion of time… like our guest this evening, Khidr …

Oh Khidr, Owner of Time… Hear me… You, a mighty being, who has solved the deepest mystery of the hermetic teaching, “causes and effects”, and is beyond the illusion of time and space … with the permission of the Divine Source I am asking for help regarding the principle you are ruling and embodying as the archetype … Teach me like Moses… I cannot say that 42 years of my life where spent in the desert, but if I could unite all my parts under one dome and cross over to the promised land I would be happy… I am not talking about religion here, this promised land is a land where I am free of all illusions, all roles, a place I can just be with my presence and spread out joy and beauty…

I don’t want to feel relieved by ordering cooking material via internet so I can gain time. I want to touch and choose the vegetables and fruits I am going to buy. Instead of being happy on Sunday nights, coming out of the kitchen at 01:00 am and saying “Great, now I have food for some days” I want to make fresh meals every time, try different tastes, preparing tasteful and healthy gifts at home and not buying a ready-made cake on birthdays, I want to be here today and somewhere else tomorrow …

Oh Khidr, my Khidr, my paper is ready. Folded it is waiting under my pillow for me to find a rose bush … as you know, we are surrounded by concrete, so I had no time to drive out kilometres. Please forgive me …

8.05.2017